What To Do With An Old Bridesmaid Dress

  One thing that really grinds my gears is that people spend a ton of money on dresses for a wedding. 99.9% of the time they are only worn once and then they are forever banished to an eternal hell in a closet. I am a man writing my opinion about what you can do with an old bridesmaid dress. Men don't like to spend money on clothes they are going to wear once so this is why I am writing this post.
  So what can you exactly do with an old bridesmaid dress? Well here is a list I came up with to help you decide what to do with that eyesore in the closet.

1. Donate it to charity
2. Donate it to a prom dress charity
3. Make a cape out of it
4. Make a flag out of it
5. Use it to upholster a chair
6. Turn it into a pillowcase 
7. Halloween Costume
8. Burn it
9. Give it to a local theater group/High School Drama Club
10. Turn it into a car seat cover
11. Have an evening gown match with it
12. Sell it on eBay
13. Cut it up and use it as a handkerchief 
14. Use it as a bandage
15. Put it on a mannequin
16. Curtains
17. Tree Skirt
18. Matador cape
19. Hand towel
20. Cleaning rags
21. Use it as toilet paper
22. Make a banner out of it
23. Chair cover
24. Shroud
25. Dustcover
26. Dishrag
27. Napkins
28. Bandana 
29. Tablecloth
30. Leave it hang in your closet for all eternity 

20 Funny Things to Say to Telemarketers

  Are you sick of telemarketers harassing the living daylights out of you? If so this list is for you. Here are funny responses to say to those pesky telemarketers.
1. No Speak English.
2. Hi thank you for calling the Insert city name here suicide hotline. How may I help you?
3. No thank you. Would you like to buy my car?
4. Hi thank you for calling The Shady Lady Escort Service. How may I be of assistance to you today?
5. Pretend to have a domestic dispute with your wife like an episode of Jerry Springer.
6. Ask them on a date.
7. Tell the telemarketer that they are the 9th caller and tell them that they just won Lady Gaga tickets.
8. Ask them to babysit your kids.
9. Hi thank you for calling Porn Land where the elite go to beat their meat.
10. Hi Thank you for calling Poison Control center. What is your emergency?
11. Thank you for calling the anonymous drug tip hotline. Who would you like to report?
12. Ich spreche kleine Englisch. (I don't speak English in German)
13.  Use a soundboard of a celebrity and harass them with the soundboard.
14. Tell them that they just called a crime scene and that they are considered a prime suspect.
15. Tell them they just called a gay bar.
16. Act like an old person and tell them about the good old days.
17. Thank you for calling the Kmart call off line.
18. Tell them that they stole your dog.
19. Ask them for directions.
20. Tell them that you Backtraced the call and that they've been reported to the cyber police and that the consequences will NEVER be the SAME because ya dun goof'd.

30 Things We Could Have Done to Osama Bin Laden's Corpse

 So finally after like 9 years we finally caught the bastard Osama Bin Laden. Wait a minute, we shot and killed him and then buried him at sea. If I was in charge of disposing Osama's corpse, I would have a different plan on how to get rid of it.
1. Crucify His Corpse.
2. Take a shit on his corpse.
3. Take a piss on his corpse.
4. Turn it into a pinata.
5. Behead him and take head to a taxidermist and display in the Oval Office.
6. Stab the corpse repeatedly with an American Flag.
7. Drop it off at a VFW post. The vets will dispose of him properly.
8. Hang the corpse even though he is already dead.
9. Have the corpse tour the United States and let the public beat the shit out of it.
10. Curb stomp the corpse.
11. Drag it on the 5th wheel of an 18 wheeler.
12. Burn the corpse.
13. Use it as a target.
14. Put it on an airplane and crash it.
15. Cut him up and use him for dog food.
16. Let Epic Beard Man slap the shit out of him.
17. Use it as a crash dummy.
18. Shove a broomstick up his ass until it comes out of his eye socket.
19. Give him to the USMC they'll have a good time with it.
20. Sell corpse on eBay, Our national debt will be payed off.
21. Drop him from a bridge onto the inbound lane of the Boston Expressway.
22. Cut him up with a dull chainsaw.
23. Toss him into a blast furnace.
24. Toss him in gasoline and then set him ablaze.
25. Put him on the L.A. Freeway at 4:59.
26. Shove him into a meat grinder.
27. Put him into an old car that is going into the crusher.
28. Throw him into a shark pit.
29. Throw him into an alligator pit or crocodile pit or vice versa.
30. Put him in the backseat of a Ford Pinto with a full tank of gas and rear end it so it goes Boom.